The road to ruin.

So I've spent the last two days trying to think of a new topic.

I've been feeling pretty down lately. Not depressed or anything crazy like that. Just a little bummed. I'm looking back on the last year of my life and it's a little pathetic. I didn't really finish much of anything, much less accomplish anything.

I've decided that it probably has a lot to do with the simple fact that I'm just not happy with where I am. I'm sitting here waiting for life to start a new chapter without my actually making a move in any direction. I'm not accomplishing anything because I've simply lost my passion for life. I feel like this happens to people pretty regularly as they leave college. We have these huge dreams and ambitions and expect to be able to move mountains with this new found knowledge. That because the last four years of our lives we felt like we WERE somebody, now we're back at square one and the simple question "now what" pretty much sums things up.

I'm totally there.

"Oh allyn," you say, "that's normal for everybody".

For me its not. I've always been the girl who knew what she wanted. Who picked out what she wanted and got it. This past year has been FULL of failures and quite frankly, I didn't know what the hell to do after that many consecutive ones in a row. It's like I was overly confident and God decided to throw a wrench into my master plan.

"God will humble you whether you like it or not," you say. "It's not about what you want and your life should be lived for his will".

I'm aware. Thanks. The fact is i've been doing some major coping lately with my utter fail of a year and trying to figure out if what I thought I was good at, I'm not. And what I thought I wasn't good at, I might be. I don't really know which end is up.

So I did what any normal girl would do. I watched EatPrayLove.

Regardless of the fact that I have been told I have an UNCANNY resemblance to Julia Roberts, I do actually love her as an actress.

Now you might ask, "Allyn what could you possibly have in common with a mid-life, divorcee, who happens to have a tiny case of self loathing as well as a pinch of unforgiveness?"

Well, other than an extreme desire to travel great amount before a die, a weakness for australian accents, and lack of direction; nothing. 

But I digress, this movie has a pretty awesome message, I think, with several tiny bits of wisdom that are worth the watch. 

One in particular that I shall focus on: "Ruin is the road to transformation".

When Julia said that, I swear it was like I got hit with a piano. like in those really old cartoons? Yeah, you know what I mean. Where I like, smile and the keys are my teeth?

.....A.D.D.....

Anyways, the point is. The way I see it I'm always inadequate. I get it. I am a complete an utter failure and worthless without God. duh. But what I seem to always forget is that he also gives me the gifts and can take and slam any door he wants too. I've been looking at the past year ALL wrong. 

I'm not failing. I'm transforming. 

I'm not standing still. I'm transforming. 

This past year has been a ridiculously humbling experience. (more than I would like to admit). It's all been necessary. (Though I don't necessarily understand why yet.) And this feeling of extreme complacency comes from the simple fact I don't know where I'm going yet, but maybe there's a reason for that, too. Maybe I'm still learning the next year because unlike people around me, I wasn't necessarily ready to move on yet, cause I kinda lost a year in between. 

Who knows. All I do know is, I'm ready to stop looking at myself as a quitter and a fail. I set out to do a lot more than most and even if I don't necessarily complete it, I can't say I didn't try. And I'm going to stop beating myself up for things I didn't win/get/complete. Because if I'm going to forgive anybody it starts with myself. 

I may have trudged through a lot of ruin,  but if it gets me where I'm going, I find that well worth the wait. 

P.S.- I fell off a rock cliff yesterday. yeah. That's my side. Don't canoe with a clutz, kids. 

First Post

I've had an epiphany.

I've decided, (or pretty much have always known) that I'm one of those people who are much more interesting on paper rather than in person. And writing words out seemingly gives me the time for my brain to process. (I'm pretty slow like that actually.)

Mostly, in the last month I've been thumbing through old journals of mine and thinking how insightful some of the things I've written down are. Which, trust me, that is NOT me bragging. Unless, of course, you're referring to the fact that i've discovered I am capable of meaningful thoughts. Then yes, I'M TOTALLY BRAGGING.

It also doesn't help that i watched the social network today, (really good movie, btw) and he was blogging. And I thought if Mark Zuckerberg can do it, why not me. Plus, Oprah has a friggin' blog. That's right. Oprah.

The point is, I seemed to always have more clarity when I was writing and I think I'm gonna try it out again. Online. And yes, I do feel like a total nerd.

When I was setting this whole little page up, I thought to myself, "I want some kind of cool writing" and then slowly realized that nobody takes anybody seriously with that curly crap and i thought the TNR was way to rigid. So this is what i've settled on. If you can't read it......well. I may change it again. Who knows.

This post I guess I'll dedicate to a thought process that came from this book I'm reading right now called "for women only". Which basically is supposed to be teaching me about men. And it amused me tonight watching some of what the author says play out in my life.

Poor guys. You really don't stand a chance with understanding us women. And why? Because we don't even get ourselves. Honestly, women don't even get women.

I have a relationship in particular where I thought a girl was being nice to me, but was really only trying to because she saw me as a threat. Until I actually took the time to befriend her and smile, she simply saw me as another girl who was her competition. And for the record, I know I am way less friendly than I should be on a first impression. I really am honestly trying to work on that. Apparently, I'm a bit abrasive. (Imagine that). Maybe I don't smile enough.

And why do we (women) do that. Why is it girls so naturally compete? It doesn't matter if its actually warranted or not, our guard is always up and we are almost always ready for a fight with any stranger. At least, I catch myself always being overly critical of people around me. And maybe that's also insecurity, which is way more than just a daily struggle for most women. (Reading a book for that too right now, by Beth Moore. BRILLIANT woman).

The point is, hats off to you, guys. Girls, I get that men are not perfect. In fact, more often than not, they are totally wrong in their interpretation of our feelings/intentions/etc. But how can they when half the time we don't understand why we even say what we do. I'm finding more often than not just how judgmental I am, how imperfect I am, and how quite often, my standards are too high to be even achievable for people in general. Except maybe the whole smiling thing..... I'm pretty sure I can do that.

I hold people at the same standards I hold myself and even those standards are pretty out of reach. Perfectionist at its finest, ya'll.

Thank God, I have a Savior that finds me adequate in the midst of all that.

Just a thought for the day. Men misinterpret. Women are defensive.

......No wonder we have communication problems. ha.

Happy Memorial Day, ya'll. Be safe. And happy. And for heaven's sake laugh a little.